food and loathing

Things are not going so well. Both of us have been binging like crazy, and gained. Neither of us even dare to step on the scale.

We need professional help. I (Chubby) has gotten my first appointment with a shrink on the 31. Maybe she can help me. If she can't, I don't know who can. I certainly can't do it myself.

Sorry!

Sorry for not updating more often. We're so busy with school and work right now, we don't have the time or energy to focus on weight loss. We're both binging as well.

The main news: Chubby has decided to get professional help for her eating disorder. Tubby is considering going on Prozac.

Stuck in a rut

We're not doing so great these days. As we've mentioned, we manage to get by on weekdays, but we both binged on Saturday. It seems to happen every Saturday these days.

I don't know what to do, but the next 19 days I won't be too hard on myself. It's a really stressful time for me, I'm finishing a very difficult internship, and I just need to focus on that. Losing weight has been my main focus for so long, but right now, I need to realize there's more important things in life than that.

-Chubby-

A good week

Thanks to the Ephedra, my week has been very good. A bit too good, my average calorie intake so far this week is 667 a week. I've also been getting quite a bit of exercise.

I love the Ephedra, but I know I can't stay on it for more than a few weeks. It fucks up my brain, causing anxiety. Besides, the body gets used to it, and after a while you need huge dosages to get an effect.

I'm tempted to step on the scale, but I won't. I'm going trough a really rough time at the moment, and I don't need the extra stress. I will stay off the scale for a few weeks more.

-Chubby-

A little self-sabotage, anyone?

Somehow I've fallen into the routine where Monday-Wednesday is fine, no, stellar even...then comes the weekend.

This weekend, as with every other, I've been held hostage paying a visit to Bingelandia. Last night was probably the worst I've had in at least six months. Why?? Why did I do this??

Unlike every other weekend, I'm doing something different. I'm getting back on track now. Damn, I'm still so mad at myself.

-Tubby-

Back on track?

I've been a bad girl...I've been stuck in a binge cycle for a week now, and I din't know what to do. So I ordered Ephedra online, and it's been working miracles so far (have only been taking them for one day). I know, I know, Ephedra is bad for you,but I needed help to get out of this cycle. I promise to be careful with them, previous experiences have learned me that ephedra fucks up my mind. I'm not willing to go crazy just to get skinny.

-Chubby-

In case you were wondering...

Well, we've had several questions/comments about our meal plans, so I think a post getting more into detail would be a good idea.

We have mentioned 1000 calories in previous posts, and yeah, it's a base number for us. It is not actually the daily goal. 1000 was just a good place to start, a number to shoot for to get away from that thinking of fasting, 400, 500 calories a day, the starving part of the whole starve-binge-purge cycle. It's not a number we're dead-set on reaching or staying at everyday, it's really just a starting point, a step in the right direction.

In actuality, we both have very hectic schedules. One day might require being awake for 16-20 hours, possibly (unfortunately) even longer. School, work, etc, there's just no way of avoiding it. Likewise, we each have days where we might be too exhausted to stay up for any more than 10 hours. On the short days, 1000 calories does not always happen. Long days, it's very easy to get up to 1400 or more calories if neccessary.

The primary focus is to meet our nutrient requirements. Tons of fiber. Obscene amounts of protein to aid in maintaining lean tissue. Vitamins and minerals. Healthy fats. Complex carbs. We try to make the most of the calories we take in each day. Also, we space our meals over 2-3 hour blocks, which really affects the number of calories we take in over the course of the day. Basically, we're not trying to meet a certain calorie number as we are just trying to fuel our bodies.

The binging still happens. Hunger has triggered some of the binges, but we've come a long way on that one. The biggest challenge we face now is the stress/anxiety/emotional/bordedom type binging. Old habits die hard, and food has long been a coping mechanism. Still, we're getting there.

Oh, and yep, we changed the look of the blog a bit. The purple was starting to get nauseating.

I want a million dollars too.

Well, the weekend was harsh. Okay, that's not true. I was harsh to myself this past weekend. Extending the weekend on into Monday, of course. Too much binging and self-pity. My body's a wreck. I'm not even sure that I could binge at this point, I feel horrible. I just want to eat good things and take my vitamins and stop feeling like hell right now.

The weigh-in showed a teensy-tiny bit of loss. Barely worth mentioning. I love that I can undo all that work in a few short days. Well, no, I really don't, but being mad about it won't help now.

My goal for this week, besides not self-destructing, is to start incorporating a little more exercise. Even if it's just twenty minutes a day. Who really just sits there all day long???

Me. Or, at least, I used to. Today, I'm doing something, even if it's just 20 minutes on the bike before work. And, as usual, NO MORE BINGING.

-Tubby-

No weigh-ins for a while

I've been stuck in Bingelandia for three whole days, I just got out today. I've decided to not weigh myself for a while, not have any weight loss goals, and instead just focus on not binging. I just need a break, I keep gaining and losing the same 3 pounds over and over again.

-Chubby-

Failure

I'm officially a failure. I binged today, again. I'm getting sick of reporting about binges in this blog.

I just let the work stress get to me. And I had a "hungry day" today, a day where nothing seems to fill me up, and I'm constantly hungry.

I'll weigh in tomorrow, if you give me a million dollars. If not, I'm skipping it.

-Chubby-