food and loathing

Things are not going so well. Both of us have been binging like crazy, and gained. Neither of us even dare to step on the scale.

We need professional help. I (Chubby) has gotten my first appointment with a shrink on the 31. Maybe she can help me. If she can't, I don't know who can. I certainly can't do it myself.

Sorry!

Sorry for not updating more often. We're so busy with school and work right now, we don't have the time or energy to focus on weight loss. We're both binging as well.

The main news: Chubby has decided to get professional help for her eating disorder. Tubby is considering going on Prozac.

Stuck in a rut

We're not doing so great these days. As we've mentioned, we manage to get by on weekdays, but we both binged on Saturday. It seems to happen every Saturday these days.

I don't know what to do, but the next 19 days I won't be too hard on myself. It's a really stressful time for me, I'm finishing a very difficult internship, and I just need to focus on that. Losing weight has been my main focus for so long, but right now, I need to realize there's more important things in life than that.

-Chubby-

A good week

Thanks to the Ephedra, my week has been very good. A bit too good, my average calorie intake so far this week is 667 a week. I've also been getting quite a bit of exercise.

I love the Ephedra, but I know I can't stay on it for more than a few weeks. It fucks up my brain, causing anxiety. Besides, the body gets used to it, and after a while you need huge dosages to get an effect.

I'm tempted to step on the scale, but I won't. I'm going trough a really rough time at the moment, and I don't need the extra stress. I will stay off the scale for a few weeks more.

-Chubby-

A little self-sabotage, anyone?

Somehow I've fallen into the routine where Monday-Wednesday is fine, no, stellar even...then comes the weekend.

This weekend, as with every other, I've been held hostage paying a visit to Bingelandia. Last night was probably the worst I've had in at least six months. Why?? Why did I do this??

Unlike every other weekend, I'm doing something different. I'm getting back on track now. Damn, I'm still so mad at myself.

-Tubby-

Back on track?

I've been a bad girl...I've been stuck in a binge cycle for a week now, and I din't know what to do. So I ordered Ephedra online, and it's been working miracles so far (have only been taking them for one day). I know, I know, Ephedra is bad for you,but I needed help to get out of this cycle. I promise to be careful with them, previous experiences have learned me that ephedra fucks up my mind. I'm not willing to go crazy just to get skinny.

-Chubby-

In case you were wondering...

Well, we've had several questions/comments about our meal plans, so I think a post getting more into detail would be a good idea.

We have mentioned 1000 calories in previous posts, and yeah, it's a base number for us. It is not actually the daily goal. 1000 was just a good place to start, a number to shoot for to get away from that thinking of fasting, 400, 500 calories a day, the starving part of the whole starve-binge-purge cycle. It's not a number we're dead-set on reaching or staying at everyday, it's really just a starting point, a step in the right direction.

In actuality, we both have very hectic schedules. One day might require being awake for 16-20 hours, possibly (unfortunately) even longer. School, work, etc, there's just no way of avoiding it. Likewise, we each have days where we might be too exhausted to stay up for any more than 10 hours. On the short days, 1000 calories does not always happen. Long days, it's very easy to get up to 1400 or more calories if neccessary.

The primary focus is to meet our nutrient requirements. Tons of fiber. Obscene amounts of protein to aid in maintaining lean tissue. Vitamins and minerals. Healthy fats. Complex carbs. We try to make the most of the calories we take in each day. Also, we space our meals over 2-3 hour blocks, which really affects the number of calories we take in over the course of the day. Basically, we're not trying to meet a certain calorie number as we are just trying to fuel our bodies.

The binging still happens. Hunger has triggered some of the binges, but we've come a long way on that one. The biggest challenge we face now is the stress/anxiety/emotional/bordedom type binging. Old habits die hard, and food has long been a coping mechanism. Still, we're getting there.

Oh, and yep, we changed the look of the blog a bit. The purple was starting to get nauseating.

I want a million dollars too.

Well, the weekend was harsh. Okay, that's not true. I was harsh to myself this past weekend. Extending the weekend on into Monday, of course. Too much binging and self-pity. My body's a wreck. I'm not even sure that I could binge at this point, I feel horrible. I just want to eat good things and take my vitamins and stop feeling like hell right now.

The weigh-in showed a teensy-tiny bit of loss. Barely worth mentioning. I love that I can undo all that work in a few short days. Well, no, I really don't, but being mad about it won't help now.

My goal for this week, besides not self-destructing, is to start incorporating a little more exercise. Even if it's just twenty minutes a day. Who really just sits there all day long???

Me. Or, at least, I used to. Today, I'm doing something, even if it's just 20 minutes on the bike before work. And, as usual, NO MORE BINGING.

-Tubby-

No weigh-ins for a while

I've been stuck in Bingelandia for three whole days, I just got out today. I've decided to not weigh myself for a while, not have any weight loss goals, and instead just focus on not binging. I just need a break, I keep gaining and losing the same 3 pounds over and over again.

-Chubby-

Failure

I'm officially a failure. I binged today, again. I'm getting sick of reporting about binges in this blog.

I just let the work stress get to me. And I had a "hungry day" today, a day where nothing seems to fill me up, and I'm constantly hungry.

I'll weigh in tomorrow, if you give me a million dollars. If not, I'm skipping it.

-Chubby-

Wow

This week has actually gone good, both for me and Tubby. I've been so busy with work that I haven't had time to binge. I actually feel a bit skinnier, although last week was so bad, I don't expect to have lost anything since our first weigh-in. Still, it feels good to be back on track.

-Chubby-

Because flexible chicks are hot.

Right, so, new plan. We're moving the week up a day, just to get our asses kicked back on track. So, we're doing Sundays as the first of the week now. First official Sunday weigh in happens next Sunday. Exciting, I know.

We're thinking a goal of about 2 lbs a week, or 6kgs over the next seven weeks, after the weigh in next sunday. We don't want to set goals untill we've weighed in. Goal date is April 1st. In addition to this, no more binging.

Wish us luck!

Such a little ray of sunshine!

Well, I noticed that things have been a bit, well, gloomy around here lately. I haven't been at the top of my game, and I know Chubby's struggling as well. Anyway, I found this great article on weight loss success stories (there are loads of them) and I thought I'd post the link:

http://magazines.ivillage.com/goodhousekeeping/archive/0,,284561,00.html

At least it's a bit more upbeat. Actually, I found some of these to be really inspiring. God, I love ivillage. My favorite quote from the article?

Weight loss isn't about perfection, it's about persistance.

Definitely words to remember.

-Tubby-

...and again

I binged again last night. I'm definitely not weighing in on monday. Sorry, but I can't face the numbers.

Update: And again. I went over my calories (way beyond) on white whine. I'm desperately trying to get the anxitety under control, and drugs and alchohol is the only thing I know can help, if only for a short while. While I was drunk, I suddenly thought food was a good idea. I'm SO off track. I should start over.

-Chubby-

Evil, boredom be thy name...

Things that make me binge:

• Stress
• Sleep deprivation
• Hunger (for obvious reasons)
• Boredom

The last one pisses me off the most. I mean, come on, am I really so weak-minded that I can think of nothing better to do than occupy my time with food??? Why are some people born with this ability to spend their free time productively (ie, reading, cleaning, stamp-collecting, like I really know what productive people do) while others (like, ahem, me) feel the need to fill their lives with such quality pasttimes as eating, shopping, and sleeping?

I need a new hobby.

-Tubby-

I binged

I binged last night. A medium sized binge for me, which means a huge binge for anyone else. I'm just having a really bad time at work at the moment. I can't deal with it, so I deal with stuff the only way I know how to- by binging. It's either that or getting drunk. I need to learn how to deal with bad things, or I'll never quit binging.

-Chubby-

Second weigh-in

My second weigh-in confirmed what I already knew- I've gained. Hopefully, most of it is water.

1st weigh-in: 164 lbs (74. 3 kgs)

2nd weigh-in: 167 lbs (75.9 kgs)

Total weigh loss: 0 lbs/kgs

I've gained 3 lbs in one week, that's impressive!

-Chubby-

I've lost a bit (yay!), not much, but I wasn't expecting much after the fiasco that was Sunday night. I don't have time for conversions etc right now, I'm on my lunch break at work, but official weight is 142. Still nothing to be proud of after last week, but I'm just happy to see it go down. I'll edit this later with kilos, etc.

2nd weigh-in: 142 lbs (64.4 kgs)

Total weight loss: 3 lbs (1.36 kgs)

Yeah, I finally updated about 4 days or so later.

-Tubby-

Time to pay the piper...

I'm still not sure what that phrase means, exactly, but it doesn't sound fun. Either way, I'm in for the weigh-in tomorrow as well. I'm not looking forward to it, but I never do anyway, even on a good week.

Still, fingers crossed, it has to be better than last week! Now, I must run, my apartment's a mess and I'm expecting people tomorrow, and those people are not expecting to see me living in such a deplorable state of mayhem. Or maybe they are, who knows. Best not chance it, though. I'd rather clean like a mad-woman for the next few hours and have people think I'm some domestic goddess. Which, of course, I am.

-Tubby-

Fear

I've decided to weigh in tomorrow, despite my fear that I've gained loads (I'm retaining water as well now). I need to face the consequences of my actions.

I've been invited to dinner at my aunt's house at Tuesday, that's not good. Not good at all. I won't know the calories in the food. But I couldn't just say no either.

-Chubby-

The "Way to go, Tubs" Post

Binged tonight. I don't even know why. Spent the day looking at wedding cakes (weddings and cakes just happen to be two of my least favorite things in the world). The day was just barely even mildly stressful...so why??? Why did I do this to myself???

At one point, plans for tonight included cleaning and possibly getting ideas to redecorate. Instead, I'm just going to feel sorry for myself until my sleeping pills kick in. So, meh on me. Start again in the a.m., I suppose.

-Tubby-

Getting out of Bingelandia

I fought my way out of Bingelandia yesterday. I did ok with the food, I was on a date but only had two glasses of white wine (200 calories), while my date ate as well.

Tonight I will be going over my calorie limit because of the party (yes, I'm getting drunk), but instead of stuffing myself as I know I'll break my calorie limit anyway (like I used to before), I'm sticking to my diet until the party begins.

Tomorrow, I'll be back on track, and stay there for a long while.

-Chubby-

The "Tubby" Diet

As Chubby mentioned a few posts earlier, some rules are meant to be broken. I just hate that it's taken me so long to realize this. Letting go of some of these "diet" expectations I've learned to set for myself has made this all so much better.

First of all: I DO NOT HAVE TO FOLLOW SOME STUPID MEAL PLAN DRAWN UP BY SOME WEIRDO GURU. I am not waking up an hour earlier so I can make a tomato-avacado omelet with 12oz of coffee, 1/2t of creamer. Or whatever. Furthermore, I don't like salmon, I'm not eating raw carrot sticks, and I will never want mandarin oranges on my salad. Ever. I'm picky, I can't cook, and I don't even like breakfast. However, there isn't some diet god waiting to strike me down for any of this. So I have a high-protein, high-fiber shake instead of an actual meal for breakfast. It's nutritious, and it is still breakfast. I might a frozen dinner as opposed to 3oz of chicken breast. Sue me. I get all my vitamins and minerals, I'm watching every last bit of intake right down to the sodium...it's what works for me. Diet gods be damned.

Also, if I must go over by 100 calories, I won't die. I won't even gain weight. In fact, I will still lose. My eating cannot ruin a day, it can only ruin a meal. Less than an hour in my life. And on days where I'm up for 24 hours or more, it only makes sense to eat more. I can't be on an exact schedule with eating. My life doesn't follow an exact schedule. If I have to custom tailor each day, than so be it.

And so what if I can only work out for 15 minutes at a time? It still adds up. At least I'm working out.

I guess what I'm trying to say, what I'm finally realizing, is that I'm not a failure because I can't live up to the diet standards of Glamour, Gunnar Peterson, or Dr. Atkins. And there's nothing wrong with that.


P.S. Lets all show Chubby some love right now. She's going through a tough time, and bingelandia is a hard place to exit. And if she doesn't want to weigh in this week then she doesn't have to. Rules are like new years resolutions, anyway.

-Tubby-

I'm in hell

I'm still being held hostage in Bingelandia. I binged again today, on only healthy foods, but it was still waaaaay over my calorie limit. And now I have a party I have to go to on Friday as well, if I don't show up and have a drink or two (10), someone special to me will be pissed off.

I don't think I'm going to weigh in this Monday, if this continues. Way too depressing to see that I've gained.

-Chubby-

Tubby is...okay?!

I've been doing about 1200 a day this week. Higher than I'd normally shoot for, but still within a range I'm comfortable with. Best part of all: no binging.

Last night was a close call. Work...well, enough said. Work can be stressful, I don't care who you are or how much you like your job. I tend to get in these moods where anything is taken as criticism. I start the most childish, petty fights, and convince myself that I'm a victim. Being a victim, I, of course, must binge. Last night's weapon of choice? Starbucks. Now, I know many would not consider Starbucks to be a binge, I guess it's just a mindset thing, empty calories and all. The guilt is always enough to set me off on a real binge.

However, I resisted. Yes, poor wounded little martyr me resisted. Stayed on track, and somehow even managed to take a big girl pill and stop feeling sorry for myself. Sadly, this took a good portion of the night, but still. Last night was sort of an accomplishment (if only a small one) for me. It probably didn't hurt that I got a few lovely messages from dear Chubby, which cheered me up to no end. You all should be so lucky to have a friend like her.

Now, if only my co-workers and I were still on speaking terms...

-Tubby-

New goal

In addition to my weight loss goal, I have another one: To not be so anal retentive about the calories I eat. Right now, I have this thing when I need to eat an even amount each day (like 1200), and have an even average each week. This week's goal is to eat an uneven number of calories each day. I can't go on being this neurotic.

-Chubby-

Bad,bad girl

I'm having some trouble besides my weight at the moment, and yesterday i comforted myself with binge foods. Then I got up this morning and ate the leftovers (WHY didn't I remember to throw it out?). So the day has started really bad for me (I'm European, so it's 12.30 pm here). One of the unwritten rules of dieting is that you never start over in the middle of the day. If you've binged, keep binging. Maybe I should try to break that rule today.

-Chubby-

An Appropriate Moniker

So, I've gained some weight since last week. This does not seem possible, or even likely, for that matter. Not trying to make excuses, just stating facts. I will admit, I spent half of last week consuming 600 cals a day. Not smart. I love setting unattainable goals for myself, I guess.

I'm not sure how I managed to gain. I don't care. 600 is stupid, it's one (of many) of the things I'm trying to get away from. Starving, binging, purging, all those unhealthy habits. My goal for now is around 1000 a day. If I come in over, that's fine, and if I come in a bit under, well, that's fine too. Overall, I'd love to lose some of this extra weight, become more conscious of getting the most nutrition I can from my calories, and eventually stop being so pathological about food. I'm working on that. It's just a day-to-day thing.

I'll get there. And hopefully with a minimal amount of whining on the journey.

-Tubby-

1st weigh-in

Chubby:

Height: 5.7 (170 cm)

164 lbs (74.3 kgs)

BMI: 25.71

I just have to brag a little, this means I've lost 14 lbs since new years.

My 1st goal weight: 153 lbs (70 kgs) by februrary 25.
Second goal weight: 143 lbs (65 kgs) by mars 25.
Third goal weight: 132 lbs (60 kgs) by
Ultimate goal weight: 121 lbs (55) kilos by july 30


Tubby:

Height: 5.0 (152.4 cm)

Weight: 145 lbs (65.8 kgs)

BMI: 28.3

There is no adequate way to express a cringe via the internet. I'm retaining water (actually, I hope I'm retaining tons of water) and will be deciding my new set of goals based on next weigh-in results. Let's just say there's a bridesmaid's dress I need to squeeze into by March 31.

Also, congrats to Chubby on her loss! She's doing a great job!

I expect a good weigh-in

Due to stress, I haven't eaten as much as usual this week, so my average calorie intake has been 900 (I'm totally neurotic, and want even numbers every day/week). I expect a nice weigh-in, in spite of my binging last Sunday. I've lost some weight over the last few weeks, but maintained last week, so I'm expecting to have lost some by Monday.

We're planning to post before-pics on Monday, if Tubby can get hold of a proper camera. If not, I may have to force her to use her cell phone camera.

-Chubby-

Muscle/fat

I just wanted to say something about a myth so many dieters believe in: They think that if they don't lose weight fast enough, it's because they're gaining muscle.

That's bullshit. It takes a lot of food and hard exercise to gain even a pound of muscle. If you start dieting and exercising a lot, the muscles in the body can retiain some water, and that goes away after about a month. That's the reason why you can gain weight when you start exercising.

Think of bodybuilders: They eat huge amounts of food to build muscles. If you're dieting, you can gain a bit of muscles if you exercise a lot, but not much.

If you're dieting and lose weight slowly, it's not, I repeat not, because you're gaining loads of muscle weight.

-Chubby-

I'm doing the same plan as Tubby, a certain amount of calories a week, and then eating more or less some days. I'm doing 7000 this weeks, although I might do a bit more some weeks. I'm taller and heavier than Tubby, so I can eat a bit more and still lose weight. I eat 200 calorie meas every three hours or so to keep me full, but not too full.

My problem is "hungry days". I have days, especially in the weekends when I'm bored, where I'm constantly hungry. Hopefully, allowing myself more calories one or two days a week will help me with that.

More about our plan:

- Loads of fibre
- Loads of protein
- Not too much fat
- Not too many carbs
- No alcohol (except on special occasions)
- Exercise.

About the exercise- I don't have access to a gym now, but I burn about 300 calories waking to work and back everyday. I don't think I can fit more exercise into my schedule at the moment, I'm working way too much.

We both use the Fitday program to get an overview of our calorie intake. Check it out, it's on the link list, and it's free!

-Chubby-

Hoarding is fun!

Well, the latest in my never-ending quest for the land of thin (aka my latest anti-binge/purge technique) is flexibility. 7000 calories a week, with a minimum of 800 to be used a day and the other 1400 to use just whenever I want.

Sounds great, right? This means that, in theory, I could have a 2200 calorie day if I so chose. And that's every week. It wouldn't even be cheating.

Problem? Well, the fact that I'm completely neurotic doesn't help. I'm scared to dip into the calories, thinking something along the lines of, "Well, what if I need them later?" Guess what, newsflash, Tubs: you won't. I mean, really, when is one in a situation where they would actually need excess calories? When do you need a piece of cake? When do you need a slice (or 5) of pizza? The straight-up answer here is never.

The honest answer probably includes the word stress somewhere. However, part of what I'm trying to do here is work on my reasons for binging/purging/overeating in general. Stress does not equate to a need for food. The sooner I get this part down, the better. Furthermore, boredom is about as good as stress for an excuse. That's all they really are anyway, excuses.

Well, no more excuses. And no more hoarding my calories. This is ridiculous.


-Tubby-

Things I like about exercise:

1. Nothing.

- Tubby-

Weigh-Ins

We'll have our first weigh-in on our official weigh-in day, Monday. We've been trying hard to diet for a few weeks (well, we've been trying for years, but failed), and lost a bit of weight, but we're starting fresh with new numbers every Monday.

New Year's resolutions...

..are for suckers. The end of January is clearly where it's at. I mean, you don't see millions of people breaking January 26th resolutions, do you? Of course not.

In other words, our New Year's Resolutions were ultimately unsuccessful. Whose weren't? But we're trying again. Be warned, there may be some setbacks. Procrastination. Drama. Angst. Tears. Calories.

Welcome to our blog.